


The Loudest One Isn't Mine

by alisoma



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: F/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-09 16:49:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12280545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alisoma/pseuds/alisoma
Summary: The squip is gone... Right? What happens when Christine's insecurities get the best of her? As her insecurities get louder, so does a certain someone, or should I say, something.





	1. So it Begins

The rain falling on the rooftop was peaceful, the air had a slight chill, and Christine could hear cars driving by from her open window. Christine’s eyes were wide open as she stared into the dark void that was her room. Sleep just out of reach, as her mind raced with so many thoughts, that it was extremely hard to catch one. Letting out a loud sigh, she sat up in bed, grabbing her phone, she began to scroll through Tumblr. This site had completely consumed her, she swore that the people who said it was addictive, were just being melodramatic. Christine hated admitting that she was wrong, but here she was, at three in the morning, looking at cute kittens. As her eyes scanned a post about gun violence, her phone suddenly began to ring. Christine jumped at the sound, placing her hand over her chest, she cursed herself for being so jumpy. “Hello?” she said, her voice soft, even though she hadn’t slept yet.  
“I see you online, go to sleep, babe.” Jake’s voice rang out, Christine could hear music in the background, and rolled her eyes, he was still at that stupid college party. Christine didn’t really enjoy parties anymore, but hey, they were in college, so she didn’t get on Jake’s case about it. It was all part of the wonderful college experience, right?  
“Hmmmm, let me think about it,” Christine replied, turning on her bedside lamp, finally giving up on sleep. “No, I don’t think I’m going to.” she said, a small smirk appearing over her lips as she heard Jake snort. She loved when he laughed, the sound was amazing. When she and Jeremy Heere had decided to just be friends, mostly because of the fact he was madly in love with Michael Mell, Jake had been there for her, constantly making her laugh. In a way, when Christine made Jake laugh, she felt like she was repaying him for the months he had spent cheering her up during senior year. Now they were dating, and going to the same college, things seemed perfect.  
“No?” Jake cackled, “someone’s feisty today, huh?” He purred, Christine laughed, covering her mouth and quickly looking over to her roommate's bed, once she was sure the other girl was asleep, she sighed in relief. “Why are you still up?” Jake asked, as she heard a door shut, and the music become muffled. “What’s on my princesses mind?” Jake asked, as Christine felt her heart skip and her cheeks become red.  
“Do not call me that!” Christine hissed softly into the phone, causing Jake to laugh a little.  
“Then what shooooould I call you? Honey? Sweetheart? Pumpkin Pie? Love of my life? Honey bunches of oates?”  
Christine bit her lip in order to stop from laughing, “Did you just use a brand of cereal as a pet name?” Christine had tears in her eyes, as she held back her laughter.  
“Maybe I did, Honey bunches of oates, whatcha gonna do about it?” Jake asked, Christine could almost hear the smile in his voice.  
“Gee wiz, I’m not entirely sure, Captain Crunch, maybe I’ll come to the party you’re at and embarrass you in front of all the pretty girls.” Christine threatened, running her hand through her hair.  
“You’re the only pretty girl I care about, Fruity Pebbles,” there was a pause, “you should come to the party though, I miss you.” Jake whined.  
“Hmmmm, only if you say please.” Christine said, getting out of bed.  
“Pleassssseeeee, Cocoa Puffs?” Jake said, in a baby voice. “Pweettttyyy pweaaaassssseeeee.” He added.  
“The man said “pweeeettttyyy pweeeeeasssee,” Christine, you gotta go.” Frankie, her roommate said, sitting up.  
“Ah! I am so sorry, did I wake you up?” Christine asked, guilt washing over her. Frankie had class tomorrow, while her and Jake didn’t.  
“It’s fine, Chrissy. Go to the goddamned party though, I don’t want to listen to you and Jake for one more minute, with your gross cereal nicknames.” Frankie made a gagging noise, putting her finger down her mouth.  
Christine rolled her eyes, “Fine! I’ll go!” Christine said, she immediately heard Jake cheer on the other end.  
“I’ll see you soon, babe!” Jake said excitedly, before hanging up.  
Christine walked into the shared bathroom and started getting ready, watching Frankie get up and grab a soda from their mini fridge, then walking into the bathroom and sitting on the counter. “Mind if I tag along?” Frankie asked.  
Christine shook her head, “I don’t mind, but don’t you have class tomorrow?” Christine questioned.  
Frankie brought her elbow to her face, and coughed, “I’m sick.” She said dramatically, leaning back so much that she almost fell off the counter. Christine reached out to steady her, grinning.  
“Alright, but I’m leaving in thirty.” Christine exclaimed, pulling her hair back and starting to apply foundation.  
“THIRTY MINUTES?” Frankie cried out, “You’re a monster! I won’t have time to curl my hair!” She whined.  
Christine sighed, “Franks, your hair is already curly.” She pointed out, as she applied blush.  
“So? What’s your point?” Frankie asked, before jumping off the counter and going into her drawer to grab some clothes.  
“Fine. Forty minutes, that’s the highest I’m going, and, and, and, you have to drive.” Christine stated, as she texted Jake some heart emojis.  
“Deal.” Frankie grinned. 

Forty minutes later and they were out the door, on their way across campus. Christine called Jake when they arrived, “Hey! I’m here, come outside!” she said, as she heard Jake stand and walk to the door. As he opened it, Christine hung up, and suddenly was in the air, being spun. “Ahh! Jake, stop!” She giggled, wiggling out of his grasp.  
“Sorry! I’m just so happy to see you!” He exclaimed, obviously drunk, and maybe a little high. Christine smiled, as he grabbed her hand and led her into the party. “HEY EVERYONE!!! LOOOOK!! IT’S CHRISSSSTINNNNEEE! MY GIRLLLFRIEND!” He yelled, holding her up. Christine let out a yell, and he sat her down. Christine felt her cheeks flush as a ton of people cheered. “I told them allll about you, baby.” He said, tapping her nose. “Want a drink?” He asked, not even waiting for her to respond as he went to get her one. Christine looked around, she had already lost Frankie to a group of boys, and she seemed to be having a grand time. Christine snuck into the corner of the room, away from most people, she stood sort of awkwardly, already regretting her choice.  
“Isn’t Jake wayyy too hot for her?” A girl’s voice rang out from right by the corner. Christine felt her heart sink slightly, “I mean, she is a solid four, while he’s at least an eight, maybe a nine.” The girl continued. Suddenly, she felt an arm wrap around her shoulder and guide her away, her eyes were slightly blurry with the tears she couldn’t seem to hold back, but she could make out who it was. Rich.  
“Ignore those bitches, Chrissy,” He said simply, leading her outside. “They don’t know shit.” He said. “I’ll go get Jake, okay?” He said, as Christine nodded, he headed back inside.  
Christine didn’t wait for Jake, she quickly walked away, heading to behind the building, where no one was, she sat on the ground, and tried not to cry. How embarrassing! Christine felt humiliated, and worthless. They were right, Jake was better looking, why did he want to be with her? She couldn’t figure it out. Suddenly a voice rang out, “He left you for someone better looking before didn’t he?” The woman’s voice said smugly. Christine jumped, looking around for the person who spoke, but seeing no one.  
“Oh God, I’m going crazy.” She whispered, running her hands through her hair, and suddenly letting the tears fall.  
“Guess again.” The voice said once more. Christine froze, as she realized the voice was coming from her head, she felt her veins freeze, her hands starting to tremble.  
“Babe?” Jake asked, Christine snapped her head up, to see Jake standing there, a concerned look on his face, he sat next to her, handing her the drink. “Rich told me what happened, do you wanna talk about it?” He asked, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her close. Christine shook her head.  
“No, I’m okay.” Christine said, leaning her head against Jake’s shoulder, the voice still echoing in her ears. She waited for it to call out again, but nothing happened, she took a big drink of whatever was in the cup, and sniffled. Those girls didn’t know what they were talking about.. Right?


	2. Flash Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How did it come to this? Christine and Jake end it, but that isn't the only thing that ends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning that this chapter is extremely full of angst. This short chapter takes place about six months after the first chapter. The next chapter will be about the six months leading up to this.

“Jake, if I could fix this, I would!” Christine cried out, as she stormed through her room, as Jake stood hopelessly to the side, confusion written all over his face,  
“What the fuck is going on, Chrissy, talk to me,” he demanded, grabbing her by the shoulders, causing her rampage to come to a sudden halt. “You can’t just break up with me.” He choked out, his voice catching as a stifled laugh erupted from his throat, which now felt like it was full to the brim with sand and cotton. Jake felt like he couldn’t breathe, he searched his brain for a reason, a cause for the effect, but there was nothing. Christine stared at him longingly, she opened her mouth, as if she was going to say something, but immediately shut it, ripping herself from Jake’s grasp.  
“It’s over Jake, how many times do I have to tell you that?” She hissed, her voice cold, Jake stared, stunned into silence, he had never seen her like this. The ray of sunshine in his life was suddenly an ice storm, and he couldn’t get to the safety of a house.  
“Christine, there has to be a reason you’re doing this, please, just tell me, I can fix it, I’ll try to fix it.” Jake gasped out, sticking his hand out to the wall, to steady himself. Christine took a deep breath, whirling around to face him, she made eye contact, her eyes somehow pleading him to forgive her for what he was about to say.  
“You’re toxic, and I’m sick of it, Jake!” She spat, her hands feeling numb as her heart rate sped up. “I am tired of always fighting, I am tired of always crying, I am so tired. I can’t keep doing this.” She whispered the last part, clearing her throat, “I can’t stay with someone like you, I am tired of you.” She added, as Jake’s eyes widened, he felt like his heart was collapsing inside of him, like his lungs were going to burst out of his ribcage. Jake stood in disbelief, how could he have been so blind to what he was doing to her? Guilt washed over him, as Christine grabbed her car keys, and walked out of the room, leaving not only Jake behind, but her heart. 

Christine sat in her car, tears immediately blurring her vision, as she banged her fists on the steering wheel, she screamed in frustration, as her chest heaved with the weight of everything that she had just done. “You had to do it,” a voice said softly, Christine shook her head, her hands flying up to her head as she yanked her hair.  
“Shut up!” Christine cried out, her breathing hitched, as she rubbed her eyes. “Oh god, what did I do?” She whispered. “What did I do? What did I do? How could I do that to him, I love him so much, he’s the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I ruined it in the matter of minutes!” She said, sobbing uncontrollably.  
“You’re a bad person.” The voice summed up. “This is one of the many reasons you don’t deserve to live, you don’t deserve anything. You ruin everything.” The voice kept talking, as Christine’s hands went over her ears. “You broke up with him for a reason. Now don’t make it all for nothing, dear.” The voice said, fading out of her head. Christine nodded her head, the voice was right, she did all this for a reason, if she didn’t do it, then what the hell was the point?  
Christine began to drive, heading towards the cliff on the beach near her college. As she drove, she wondered if Jake could ever forgive her, or understand that she did what she did so it wouldn’t hurt as much. Christine wanted him to hate her, with every fiber of his being, if he did, then her death wouldn’t take such a toll on him, right? Maybe it would even come as a relief to him. Christine reached the beach sooner than expected, and she sat in her car for a moment, before pulling out her phone and typing out a text. ‘I am not what I seem, you are going to be so much better off without me. I shouldn’t be texting you, because we just broke up, but I needed to say something before I never can again. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are the reason I had the strength to get out of bed every morning, you’re the one who made all those stupid love songs make sense. I never thought I could ever love someone as much as I love you. I didn’t think it was possible for me to love anyone ever again, but here we are. I fucked everything up, just like I did with Jeremy, just like I do with everything. I worry you constantly, I don’t think a day has gone by since that stupid party that you haven’t been concerned about me. I am a burden to you, and I know that now. I know what I have to do. I know how to fix everything. I need you to hate me, okay? I need you to forget about me, and go after one of those pretty girls, who are more stable and just better. Please, I am begging you, to just hate me. Jesus Christ, I love you. I am so sorry.’ She read the text over and over again, taking a deep breath, she sent it to Jake. She threw her phone into the back seat, and got out of the car, making her way up to the cliff. Christine assumed she would feel something, sadness that her life was ending, or just anything, but as she made her way to the top, she found that she felt nothing but empty. It was like there was no feelings left. Christine stared at the water down below, and the few rocks that stuck up, her heart rate speeding up ever so slightly. Christine tried to think of something remarkable to say, to no one. She had always wanted her last words to be something beautiful, and witty, but no words came, she just stood. One memory replayed in her head over and over, her father pushing her on the swings in the park, as her mother took pictures. Christine swore she could feel the breeze, and hear the birds chirping. “Smile for mommy, Chrissy!” She heard her mother’s voice ring out, and her father’s laugh. Christine smiled slightly, her heart felt warm, and she didn’t feel quite as empty.  
“Now.” The voice whispered, and Christine thought she felt hands on her back, she stuck her foot out, and stepped off the cliff. Christine felt her heart skip a beat, as she fell, realizing that soon death would swallow her whole. Christine felt regret instantly, for hurting Jake, for never being able to make thing right again, for wasting her parent’s time and money.  
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, as the waves engulfed her, and she felt cold, colder than she had ever felt before, the chill was sent to the very core of her spine. Christine gasped for air, and her body fought to try and get afloat, but something held her down, and as her lungs burned and ached, filling with water, she thought she heard a voice, but darkness overcame her, and all the thoughts faded, as her did her life. Eyes burning, lungs burning, everything was on fire, yet somehow remarkably peaceful. This was the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to someone.

**Author's Note:**

> BOOOOPPPPP, look, another spur of the moment fic at 2 AM. I'm sorry if this is not the longest, I do plan on writing more, and hopefully they'll be longer! But uh, thanks for reading, and I'll try to add another chapter as soon as possible!


End file.
